I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
No stitches, just platelets and will power
and she was petting her beer can
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
