The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
