lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
