i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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