They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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