I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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