P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
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i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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