Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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