There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
