So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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