a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You're earring is so big in my mouth
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
