I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
