WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Randomize
