you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
