She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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