Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
