I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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