Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
