Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
