if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
