why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.