Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
