I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
