Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
