Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
