I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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