Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
