TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
