You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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