my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
