K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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