She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
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John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just puked most of my soul out..
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