Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
