I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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