Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
