You're completely useless in the revolution.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
