I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
