the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
