Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
