my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
