i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
