Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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