The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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