I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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