i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
