if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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