OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Still dying that you shit outside
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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