Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
