your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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