Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
