I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
