i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
