Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
