Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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