I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
