she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
